Therapy was helping me make sense of my emotions, and then life threw me a curveball…
About this episode: This is the tenth in a series of episodes that are just the start of where I plan to take this podcast. These initial episodes will give you a backstory on the journey I went through to recover from childhood sexual abuse at the age of twelve. The purpose of this backstory is to help you see how trauma affected my life and art, and to learn some of the things I did to begin healing.
I do not give any graphic details of the events.
I’m not Nervous… am I?
In the first few months of therapy, it was so helpful to have someone I could talk to and be honest with. She listened to me, validated my feelings, and challenged the negative ways I talked about myself. She also helped me put my feelings into words. Especially with anxiety. I had stomach aches all the time when I was a kid. I would go to the doctor and they would give me all these tests and never find anything wrong with me. But I do remember one doctor who asked, “Are you nervous?” And I said, “No, I’m not nervous.” I didn’t see myself as an anxious person. I would think, “Well, yea, if I’m at a Spelling Bee or on stage in front of people. Then I get nervous. But, doesn’t everyone?”
Actually, Yes you are
But my therapist explained that I lived in a heightened state of anxiety at all times. So she put her arm out horizontally at about chest level. She said, “This is neutral.” Then she raised her arm up to about chin height and said, “This is where you are all the time.” She raised it again to about forehead level and said, “If you have something stressful happen, this is where you go and feel overwhelmed almost instantly.”
It made so much sense! She told me something I knew, but couldn’t identify. I was so used to it, I didn’t even see it. This was so helpful to understand because I did get overwhelmed really quickly. It always seemed to come out of nowhere. So, in my typical negative self-talk I would be like, “There is something wrong with me!” But I didn’t know what it was. So I didn’t know how to fix it.
The Letter
A major issue I had after the abuse was feeling like I didn’t have a voice, because I never told anyone about it and I didn’t confront the abuser when it happened. I lost trust in myself and held a lot of shame around it for years. So I decided to write them a letter to let them know that I was aware of what happened, even though I pretended that I was asleep. I started to get my voice back.
I also wanted to forgive them. My therapist let me lead the way. But I also remember her saying, “I’m just waiting for you to get angry.” and I was like, “What are you talking about? I’m not angry.” Honestly, I just didn’t know how to feel anger around this. Also, I knew some things about my abusers’ life that I had sympathy for. But mostly, I just wanted to free us from what happened, so we could both move forward. I didn’t want to live carrying the weight of bitterness. I didn’t feel obligated or forced to forgive.
So I wrote the letter and sent it to them. I even verified that they received it. Now, I didn’t expect a response, and I never got one. There’s more to this part of the story, but that comes later, in the next episode.
Side Note
Telling a personal story publicly means having to be careful with how much I share. This next part of my story is deeply intertwined with someone else’s story, too. And I was trying to think of how to talk about it and still respect that it’s not really my story to tell. But it has had such a huge impact on me that I knew I couldn’t keep it out completely. It would have been like when I told the therapist about drinking and quitting swimming and left out the huge reason why. There would be a gap that wouldn’t make sense to you.
Just like anyone else, I want to be known and seen. Before I started sharing my story, I often felt isolated. No one really knew what I was going through. So part of me wanted to share all the details so you can know me more fully, understand the depths I fell down, and confirm that what I was feeling was normal or relatable. But that’s not what this podcast is for. I have other places to share more openly, are confidential, and made for the support I need. I’m sharing my story to offer hope that healing is possible. And it’s been helping me in many ways, too.
So I thought I would talk about how it felt, instead of the details of what exactly it was.
State of Emergency
About 5 months into therapy, I was told something that changed everything. Someone very close to me was struggling with something that urgently needed my attention and help. Have you ever been given news that made you fall to your knees? Somehow I managed to keep my composure when I was first told. I went into “emergency mode.” I focused on what needed to be done at that exact moment. A nurse told me later that day that I was in shock.
Later that day, I went into my room, closed the door, and laid on the ground. All I could do was stare at the ceiling and breathe. I had no idea how to help. I was crushed and terrified. On top of it, I felt partially responsible – because I was. My unhealed trauma and addiction had left a stain on someone’s life that I love dearly. I was suffocating in guilt and shame.
A Necessary Detour
So now when I went to therapy, I was talking about this new situation. I’ll call it “the present trauma.” My past trauma was put on hold. It’s just what needed to happen. This “present trauma” was urgent and life-threatening. I talked about it exclusively for months. After a while, things kind of settled down. That’s when all the emotions from my past trauma would come back up and I would talk about that again. The present trauma wasn’t over, it was just it’s own roller coaster ride. So things would seem ok for a while, until they weren’t. Then everything would spike and we’d be in an instant state of chaos. It would calm down again. We were up and down on this ride for a long time.
I stopped seeing this therapist after about a year and a half. I thought I could handle it all on my own. Also, it seemed like I wasn’t getting as much out of therapy as I did in the beginning.
Survival Mode
Ok, confession time. I was getting high during a lot of that. I know, I went to therapy because I was trying to stay sober and I couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t able to. But, once I started talking about the abuse and then the present trauma collided with what I was already dealing with – sobriety got put in the background. I was in survival mode. I was also learning that getting high was just a symptom of a bigger problem that I needed to face.
It’d be like if you had a toddler that relied on a pacifier to self-soothe and you were about to take them on a 20 hour car trip. This would not be the time to say, “You know, it’s time they learned how to soothe themselves. They’re old enough. Let’s take the pacifier away!” That trip would be a disaster for everyone in the car.
And, yes, I am the toddler in this story. I used the story to explain that I felt like I needed to get high. I don’t love that about myself, but it was where I was at the time.
Back in the Cycle
So I was back in the cycle. Sometimes I was smoking from the time I got up until I went to bed. Other times I was staying sober and doing yoga, exercising, breath work, and meditation instead. These were seeds being planted for better ways to cope, but they hadn’t taken root yet. Smoking was the easiest, most instantly gratifying way for me to “deal” with my emotions (that I wasn’t really ready to deal with at all). It allowed me to numb my emotions and sleep. Otherwise I think I would have been up all night worrying, feeling completely out of control and scared.
What’s Next
My life got messier before it got better, and this was just the beginning. Being in survival mode means I was just trying to get through each day. Not everything got done that needed to and some days were easier than others. Hope is still around the corner, we just have a little more road left to travel.
Next time I’ll talk about what brought me back to therapy and my experience going to an art therapist.
Have you ever had to put your healing on hold?
Share your thoughts below. 💬