The right decision isn’t always easy.
About this episode: This is the sixteenth and final episode in a series that is just the start of where I plan to take this podcast. These initial episodes will give you a backstory on the journey I went through to recover from childhood sexual abuse at the age of twelve. The purpose of this backstory is to help you see how trauma affected my life and art, and to learn some of the things I did to begin healing.
I do not give any graphic details of the events.
A Painting of Joy
In the last episode I talked about the first painting I made since getting sober. That painting came out so quickly and almost effortlessly that I decided to make another painting the same way. I chose two colors – a red and yellow – and applied them to the canvas with rags like I did with the last painting. But I found out right away that these colors behave very differently than the last two. I couldn’t get the same effect. So I grabbed the largest round brush I had and used that instead.
The first brushstrokes of this painting were a swift upward motion like the celebration of fireworks. From there I blended with rags, painted with a brush and just played around like I usually do. An image of a woman emerged fairly quickly. Then I worked on bringing her out.
The figure is of a naked woman whose arms are outstretched, her head is tilted toward the sky, her eyes are closed, and her hair is wild and red. There’s so much joy in this painting. She’s kind of disproportionate and completely nude and she’s not ashamed of any of it. That’s exactly how I was feeling at the time.
A New Way?
But one part of the painting that’s a little weird is the composition. Her arms and head are cut off in a strange spot. This is what happens when I start a painting and don’t have a sketch or predetermined image. I work with what happens. There’s a part of that that I like and a part that is frustrating. This is the beginning of looking at the process I’ve used all these years and reevaluating if I’m going to continue or change it.
Painting #3
So now I feel like I’m on a roll with these last two paintings. I start my third with the last canvas I had. I decided to take the same approach as the previous two. This time I chose viridian green and cobalt blue. But just like the last painting, these colors behave differently, too. I also found that I love these colors and every variation they make together so much I want to bathe in them. I just wanted to be completely submerged in these watery blues and greens.
What I learned was that what’s true in life is also true in art. You really can have too much of a good thing. Of course, I’m sure someone has done a painting with these two colors successfully. But what I was seeing at the time was that they needed other colors around them to bring out their full beauty. So I ended up adding a lot of different colors to this painting.
Too Many Notes
I started this painting around the time of my wedding anniversary. So I had made a playlist as sort of an anniversary gift to my husband of songs we’ve listened to over the years. It turned out to be over 8 hours long! I tried painting to this playlist and it just wasn’t happening. The playlist was chronological so it brought me back to the beginning of our relationship as teenagers.
We’ve listened to so many genres of music over the years, too. So I’d go from hearing Beastie Boys to Jane’s Addiction and Miles Davis to Paul Simon. Every time these genres would change it would change how I painted. The speed and style of the brushstrokes and my mood were being tossed around continuously.
In the end it was such a beautiful time to be thinking about our relationship in its entirety. I got to remember where we were and see how far we’ve come. Especially since getting sober and being baptized.
A New Beginning
Our marriage had a lot of hard years. We both had mountains of wounds and resentments from how we had treated each other over the years. It’s hard to believe sometimes that those mountains have been reduced to nothing. What stands in their place is our reconciled relationship that’s stronger than ever.
So this is what I was thinking about while I worked on this painting. It fits that my husband and I both love the ocean while I was working with these watery blues and greens. It was a hard piece to create and it took me many months to get it out. To me, it represents life and renewal. Like the renewal and new life of our marriage.
A Different Kind of Win
Just after finishing that piece, I found out about an art show with the theme of “water”. My art friend encouraged me to submit my anniversary piece to the show. The submission cost was only $5. So I decided to go for it. After that I got an email for another art show with the theme of “overcoming difficult things”. I felt connected to that theme so I decided to submit some art to that show, too.
In the end, my art didn’t get chosen for either show. To be honest, I was a little salty about it at first. But ultimately I think it was a success just in submitting.
One Door Closed…
So near the end of 2021 I made a really difficult decision. I decided to quit karate after training for 4 years. Karate was a big part of my life. I trained 3-4 times a week and talked about it all the time. I’d practice kicks in my kitchen while I was making dinner. It was on my mind constantly.
It also played a big part in my trauma recovery. I was also deeply connected to the community. I met people that understood me in ways I couldn’t find in many of my other relationships.
…and Another Opened
But I went through a lot of changes over the last year. Now I was trying to refocus my life and gain simplicity and clarity. I wanted to have time for the things that were most important to me. So I was reevaluating where I spent my time. I also had to be honest with myself. As much as I sometimes wish I was a Type A person, I’m not. Karate took a lot of energy and brain power for me. So it wasn’t sustainable for me to continue training and add more to my schedule.
My priorities right now are making art, helping people through this podcast, my recovery, and family. (not necessarily in that order.)
Making art can feel like a battle. We need to find the time, energy, and space for it. We also have to fight all the junk of our own personal stories. The things others have said, or we say to ourselves, comparison, and low self confidence. All the things that hold us back from doing what I believe we were born to do.
When I got clear on my priorities, I made the decision to quit karate. Even though I still loved doing it and the people in the community. I always felt it was the right decision. But I was surprised at how much I grieved it and how hard it was to step away from. Even though I’m stepping toward things that I believe have a greater purpose.
Looking Forward
So that’s basically where I’m at now. I’m working on my recovery, making art, and this podcast. I’ve simplified my life to have time for these things. Discipline and scheduling are still a struggle at times.
I’m overwhelmingly grateful for my sobriety and a chance to help others with the things I’ve been through (and keep going through). Which is where this podcast is going now. It’s no longer just me talking about my past and old art I made.
I’ll have guests of other artists sharing their stories, too. It will be a place where we can connect with each other and build each other up. The best outcome to me would be that we can be ok with who we are and make peace with our past. Then we can use that to create beautiful art. We can also help each other not feel alone in the lonely place of our struggles.
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