My Story: Freedom in the Lockdown

Not again!

One outcome of the pandemic is it exposed things. I already knew I was extreme, but in this environment I couldn’t run away from it. So I was forced to deal with it. What came of that was a desire to simplify my life. 

That led me to organize and get rid of things I didn’t need. In doing that, I came upon some old journals of mine. So I started reading them and I found a journal entry from the year 2000. At the time my kids were 1 and 4 years old. I wrote how excited I was to get back into my art and I was going to do it when my youngest was napping. 

Then there was a journal entry from 2010 – 10 years later. At this point I had three kids and my youngest was 4 years old. I wrote again that “I can’t wait to get back into my art!”

And I thought, “Oh my gosh. Here it is 2020 and I’m feeling the exact same way.” I didn’t know what it was going to look like yet, but I thought, “In 10 years I do not want to be saying the same thing again.” Even though I know I can’t tell the future. But I thought, “at least it won’t be for the same reasons as the last 20 years.”  

I realize there could be things that prevent me from making art. But it wouldn’t be for the same reasons as the last 20 years. Over the last 20 years, my lack of creating art had more to do with my hang-ups around creating art, low self-esteem, and all of the baggage I was carrying. 

Art Friends

That led me to contact a friend of mine that is also an artist. We started meeting every week and we talked about art for hours. It filled me up so much. We related to each other with both the desire and struggle to make art.

We had so many ideas swirling around in our brains. Talking it out together helped us to focus and organize them and try to figure out where to even start.  So we became accountable to each other. It was such a gift to have someone that understood me in a way not everyone did. It fueled to keep going. 

Free from Shame and Guilt

In the summer of 2020, I went through a gospel-centered recovery program at my church. Well, really it was on Zoom, because everything was on Zoom at the time. But you know what I mean. There are so many things I can say about this program, but for now I’m going to keep it to the key things I got out of it. 

Before I went through recovery, I thought if I just changed my behavior and learned enough about trauma and addiction that I could heal myself. I just needed to meditate more, do yoga in the morning, and read another book. Then I would be free from trauma and addiction. To be clear, all of those things have a place and I still do some of them now.

But even with all that I couldn’t shake this deep feeling of shame and guilt I had around the abuse and how my addiction affected those around me, especially my kids. It didn’t seem to matter how many times I read about it or how many therapists told me it wasn’t my fault. The shame was still lodged deep within me.

Another Way

An easy way to explain this recovery program is calling it “The 12 Steps with Jesus”.  We go through the 12 Steps similar to Alcoholics Anonymous. But what sets it apart is that it’s rooted in the truth of the gospel. For me, going through the steps from the perspective of who God is and his longing to restore and heal us changed everything. It opened me up to seeing it’s not something I can do on my own.

I was carrying a burden that all the answers are something I have to discover within myself or find out there. Recovery released me from that burden. I used to think if I read another book, then I would have the key to healing. I guess there is another book, it’s the Bible.

Change of Heart

So this changed my life. It broke a wall between what I knew of God in my head and brought it into my heart. I understood grace, but I couldn’t feel it in my heart until I went through recovery. Recovery isn’t behavior change, it’s heart change. There’s a lot more to say about how this recovery program changed my heart. 

So I will definitely talk about it more in the future. I mainly wanted to share that this change of my heart and relief from shame changed everything for me. Because I used to think I would never be free of shame. I tell you this to give you the hope that it is possible. Even if you’ve been holding on to shame for years and years. It’s possible to not be carrying it anymore. 

First Sober Painting

I made my first painting since getting sober in the fall of 2020 after finishing recovery. This was a big deal for me! Because I had such an association with being high and painting that when I got sober it prevented me from painting anything for over a year. I thought if I wasn’t high I wouldn’t be creative enough or get into the flow.

So finally I was ready to give it a try. The catalyst was a fundraiser for a nonprofit organization called Shatterproof. Shatterproof’s mission is to end the stigma of addiction through education. Instead of a 5k, they gave different options for what participants could do. One of them was to make art. So my art friend and I spent the afternoon painting along with a playlist I created. 

Music + Art = Love

Playing to music is a pretty big part of my creative process. I don’t always listen to music when I paint. But I like to choose songs and albums that match the mood of whatever I want to express in the painting. So for this playlist, I did something new and picked a bunch of hymns. I love old traditional hymns, but there were some contemporary songs in the playlist, too. 

I feel like it really came out in the painting because there’s a lot of upward motion. This painting is only two colors and really abstract. On the podcast, I try to describe what it looks like for listeners. But you can also view it on my instagram page. 

I literally applied the paint straight from the tube onto the canvas and used only a rag and mineral spirits to make this painting. I love the feeling of lifting, lightness, and freedom. This was the happiest painting I had ever made!

Who Knew?

Now the spell was broken and I said, “Ok I can do this. I can paint sober and it’s actually way better.” I just needed the experience of the first time at the canvas, which can be so scary. Especially when it’s been awhile. Using a rag instead of brushes was really freeing and helpful because I wasn’t getting stuck in the details. And I love detailed work. But this painting was the perfect blend of music that gives me hope and applying paint in a very playful way. 

Hope and Healing

So there are a million other things I can talk about with the pandemic, but I chose to focus on places of growth and hope. In the beginning of the pandemic I didn’t think I could survive. But my resilience grew every day that went on that I was still managing and using the tools I had.

Now I also have new tools I learned in recovery and a new perspective. It’s not just up to me to have to read another book or learn another technique. Now I can turn to Jesus for my hope and healing.

I know that we’re in different places with different perspectives. My hope for you is that through sharing my story you can see that healing is possible and it’s never too late. I know I’ve said it before – and I’m going to keep saying it because I believe it so deeply.