My Story: The Decision that Changed my Life

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Have you ever been faced with a life-changing decision? I was, and here’s what happened…

About this episode: This is the third in a series of episodes that are just the start of where I plan to take this podcast. These initial episodes will give you a backstory on the journey I went through to recover from childhood sexual abuse at the age of twelve. The purpose of this backstory is to help you see how trauma affected my life and art, and to learn some of the things I did to begin healing.

I do not give any graphic details of the events. 

I Never Saw it Coming

I remember sitting in the car with my boyfriend after finding out I was pregnant. Should we give the baby up for adoption, we wondered? We didn’t know what to do. We weren’t ready to be parents! But, I made a choice at that moment to take care of the baby. So I handed him my tin of Drum tobacco, pouch of American Spirit tobacco, and pack of Camel lights. Yes, I really did have all of those at one time!

A Dream Shattered – or Delayed?

That same week, art schools came to look at our portfolios. I showed my artwork even though I hadn’t made a decision about the pregnancy. I was still in such a fog from the news! And guess what? I was verbally accepted into my top school choice – San Francisco Art Institute. I felt so conflicted. On one hand, it meant that they saw potential in me as an artist. That’s great! However, I had already decided art school wasn’t going to happen in the fall. Regardless of which decision I made.

Suddenly Everything in My Life Changed

Eventually the news of my pregnancy got around the school and made its way to my English teacher. He asked me if it was true and I said, “Yes”. I also told him I was considering giving the baby up for adoption. So he gave me a piece of advice. He said, “Don’t take the easy route.” I thought, “What do you mean?! Neither choice is easy!” ( I guess I should have asked him to clarify.)

I spent the rest of my senior year trying to figure out what to do. Consequently, my behavior changed dramatically. I went from getting decent grades to barely graduating. I slept instead of hanging out with my friends. My life was turned upside down. All my energy went to school, work, and feeling completely overwhelmed.

An Uneasy Decision

Finally, my boyfriend and I made a decision. We chose to raise the baby together. I never questioned if it was the right decision for me. Truly, my first born saved my life. The choices I was making before getting pregnant were leading to a path of destruction. It was only a matter of time before the consequences of my drug use were going to catch up with me.

However I have doubted if it was the right decision for him. To me, being a teenage mom with an unhealed trauma meant I wasn’t the mother I felt he deserved. The only thing I would go back and change is to heal the trauma sooner so I could have been a better mom at the time.

That’s something that people don’t want to talk about – but I’m going to talk about now. Our buried trauma doesn’t just affect us. Even if no one else knows about it. It affects everyone around us. The decisions we make on top of unhealed, secret trauma spreads throughout every part – and touches every person – in our lives.

Art I Created at This Time

I moved in with my boyfriend shortly after graduating high school. I created two drawings while I was pregnant that summer, and in the first few months of being a mom that fall. These drawings reflect the collision of my changing identities and the start of a transformation in my life. I was no longer just a teenager/friend/girlfriend/artist. Now I was also a mother, raising a child with a partner. The birth of our son made us an instant family, and we had to quickly figure out our roles. We came from different backgrounds, so this wasn’t easy.

A split personality

The first drawing is a self portrait made from charcoal and Conté crayon. My face is split down the middle and one side is quite different than the other. Even my hair looks different on each side! The conflict I was feeling in who I was is clear. It shows the beginning of a change that wasn’t fully completed.

A distorted reflection

The second drawing is my first colored pencil piece. I had bought the largest set of Prismacolor pencils there was as a graduation present to myself. This was when I learned how much I love color, especially blending colors together. As I was recording this episode, I had a realization that my love for blending color is a perfect symbol for my blending and changing identities in my life at this time! To make the image, I started with a photograph I had taken back in high school of a friend blowing a bubble. The rest of the drawing came from my imagination. The bubble that is coming out of the wand is a distorted face looking back at her.

The beginning of a subconscious therapy

At the time, I wasn’t consciously aware that these drawing were reflecting the changes I was going through. I was just exploring, experimenting, and letting my imagination take over. Now when I look at them, I see the conflict and changes I was going through. I feel more peace about this time in my life now. Our art can be a mirror that reflects things about ourselves that we may not even be aware of! How cool is that?!