The abuse distorted how I saw myself as a teenager.
About this episode: This is the second in a series of episodes that are just the start of where I plan to take this podcast. These initial episodes will give you a backstory on the journey I went through to recover from childhood sexual abuse at the age of twelve. The purpose of this backstory is to help you see how trauma affected my life and art, and to learn some of the things I did to begin healing.
I do not give any graphic details of the events.
Deeper into Substance Abuse
The underage drinking that started in eighth grade continued into high school. I also smoked marijuana for the first time the summer before my freshman year. Marijuana quickly became my “drug of NO choice”. It was the substance that gripped me the tightest and the hardest to quit. Meanwhile, I kept good grades and held a job throughout high school, even as the partying and drug use increased. So my risky behavior remained hidden throughout my teen years. At the time, I wasn’t consciously using drugs to numb out the effects of the abuse. Like many teens, I was just having fun! But now I see why getting drunk or high became an obsession for me. It was the only time I felt free from the burden of keeping this dark secret of abuse.
Discovering a New Way to Cope
I took my first art class as a freshman in high school. The class sounded cool, but really I was just filling a required art elective. I had no idea that art class was going to reveal a part of myself I didn’t even know existed! I never saw myself as an artist until that first class. But art became an outlet for me to have fun and explore my creative side. It felt like when you’re a kid playing at your favorite playground! The joy of making art was also a way for me to cope with the dark secret of my past. So I continued to take art classes and dreamed of going to art school.
Declaring War on My Body
There’s something that can happen when you are sexually abused that’s hard to talk about. It happened to me and I know happens to other people, too. It can cause us to feel shame, guilt, and embarrassment. No one wants to talk about it, but I’m going to talk about it now.
There were times while being abused that I was sexually aroused. And it super messed me up. This is when I declared a war on my body. My mind was thinking – “no, this is wrong!” but my body was responding with pleasure. How could it do that?! It caused me to hate myself. So I wore baggy clothes to hide my body. I didn’t wear makeup to avoid being approached by a guy based on my looks.
With all I did to hide, deep down I wanted to be seen.
Dealing with “Sudden Onset Adulthood”
In my senior year, I started to prepare my artwork for college art schools. I also began dating a guy that seemed to be intrigued by all the walls I had put up. He was a musician and shared my love for creativity. We quickly became best friends. Together we dreamed of going to San Francisco to pursue our art. However, life took a sharp turn. The same week art school’s came to look at our artwork, I found out I was pregnant. This changed everything. I didn’t know what I was going to do, but I decided that art school was not going to happen in the fall.
The summer after graduation, I moved in with my boyfriend and we stumbled through what I call “sudden onset adulthood”. Almost overnight we went from living with our parents to living together, taking care of a baby, starting a career, and paying bills!
Disclosing the Dark Secret
Keeping the abuse a secret left it up to me to figure out how to handle it. I truly believed if no one knew about the trauma it was like it never happened. Unfortunately, trauma doesn’t work that way. Burying the abuse with substances only numbed the pain temporarily. It also caused me to disconnect from my body. It wasn’t until I shared my story and revealed this dark secret that I was set free from its grip on my life.
Did trauma in your childhood affect your teenage years?
Leave me a comment below! 👇