My Story: Disconnected from the Truth

I started college in 2004 at the age of 26. Meanwhile, my oldest son was 8, and my youngest was 5. My 5 year old also started school in half-day kindergarten. So, with both of my kids old enough for school, I was able to start my college career. I decided to go for a Bachelor of Fine Arts. But I didn’t know what I would specialize in, or how I would turn that degree into a career. To me, it was more about the journey. However, the college tuition bills said something else! Even though I was 26, it was as if I was still 18 in some ways.

I took all my classes online for the first year of college. It was the perfect transition into starting a new routine and set of responsibilities. Also, it allowed me to be home when my kids came home from school and work on my own schedule. I dreamed of going to college since I was in middle school. So this was truly a dream come true!

The Old Lady in the Classroom

The following year, my kindergartener and I shared another set of “firsts”. It was the first time he went to school all day. And it was the first time I took classes on campus. I was a freshman at the University of Wisconsin Whitewater. At the time I went, only 5% of the school were non-traditional aged students. That means 95% of incoming freshman were 18 years old and fresh out of high school. So, here I am, at 27 years old, in a 2D Design freshman level art class with a bunch of 18 year olds. I was so stoked to be there! I got ready every morning with excitement to be in the classroom again. In contrast, they showed up in their pajamas.

I know I wasn’t actually an “old lady” but the difference in age and life experiences was noticeable. But, I totally get why they weren’t as thrilled as I was. They had just learned the fundamentals in high school. However, for me it had been 8 years since I learned these skills. Honestly, I didn’t have the discipline to practice them. So I was really looking forward to this class.

Stuck in a Frozen Rut

During these first years of college, my husband and I felt we needed a change. We were sick of the harsh Wisconsin winters and not having friends. His career in the technology industry was stagnant. So we started to think about moving. We wanted a place that would support my husband’s career growth and where we could change our lifestyle. We were stuck in a rut and wanted to get out.

So we created a list of “tech hub” cities. These are places that have plenty of tech-related businesses and jobs. The top cities on our list were San Diego, San Francisco, Denver, and the “Research Triangle” in North Carolina.

A Memorable Phone Call

The first semester on campus was super busy. I was taking 4 classes, getting home just before the kids got home from school, making dinner, and spending time with them (when I wasn’t doing homework). Also, I was trying to keep up the house. But I definitely didn’t get it all done.

There was so much going on, it’s kind of a blur. But I remember a time when I was talking to my husband on the phone. I was at the store, telling him that I wasn’t feeling good. And he said, “Oh, man. I’m sorry. Maybe it’s because you are working so hard?” And I responded, ” Yea… you know I feel like I’ve felt this way before… And…I don’t remember if I had my period last month.” (bomb effectively dropped). And he was like, ” Oohhhhh.” It was that kind of “Oh” that was full of shock, panic, and ‘I’m still processing what you just said’.

So I bought a pregnancy test while I was at the store. Because, you know, sometimes you just have a hunch.

The Fastest Way Out

I took the test as soon as I got home. It was positive! I continued going to school while adjusting to the news. After a few weeks, I couldn’t take it anymore. The nausea was so bad. I walked around with my spearmint tea, always looking for the nearest bathroom. I would sit in an aisle seat so I had the quickest route to the exit possible. Above all, I was exhausted. So I quit mid-semester to take care of myself. Honestly, I was bummed at first. But now I have a daughter! And I would take her over 10 PhD’s in Art, or any other subject. So it all worked out for the best.

Goldilocks and the Tech Hubs

While I was pregnant, my husband and I visited some of the cities on our list. We took weekend trips to San Francisco and Denver. It was the first time we had been away from our kids overnight! After our daughter was born, we took a family vacation to San Diego. We loved aspects of each of the places we visited. But none of them were a perfect fit as places to move. Like Goldilocks, we were looking for a place that was just right.

We also started a two year project of getting our house ready to sell. A lot of time, money, and energy went into making our dream of moving a reality!

Art from Class

I didn’t make any art at this time, except for assignments in the 2D design class. There is one assignment that has stuck with me. We learned about a theory in Psychology called “Gestalt” which has to do with perception. It talks about how when we look at things we notice patterns and want to organize individual objects into a whole.

Just to be clear, I only understand the Gestalt theory in the context of design. I realize there is much more to it than that, though. However, I’m not talking about the entire theory or therapy related to it. I’m only talking about how it applies to art.

The Assignment

Step one of the assignment was to find three things in our house we liked to look at. This was when I found out there was almost nothing in my house I found interesting to look at! Eventually, I found a vase that has a pretty cook shape to it. So that was my first item. The second object I found while walking on campus. It was a seed-pod-thing that had fallen from a tree. It was about the size of an orange, green, and bumpy. To me it looked alien, and pretty cool. My third object was a piece of hard candy still in the wrapper. I really liked the smooth oval shape of the candy and the twisted ends of the wrapper with all the creases, variety, and changes in value.

For step two, we had to draw our three chosen objects as realistically as possible.

In step three, we had to make abstractions of the shapes. The teacher explained that in its simplest definition, abstraction is just taking away from – or adding to – an object. As an example, I elongated the vase. We had to make 10-15 abstractions for each object. So we drew quick thumbnail sketches for each abstraction.

Step four was to create the final piece. We put the drawings of the three objects together to create a gestalt, a new whole.

What’s Missing?

If you are an artist, you probably already do this intuitively. You know the point in the creative process where you’ve gotten your main idea out and now you are in the “stare at it” mode. You can tell that it’s not finished, but you aren’t sure what’s missing. I think a lot of times it’s unity that’s missing. When there are all these different pieces, but they haven’t come together yet to create a whole. It may be that some of the other principles of design are missing, too. Things like repetition, proximity, continuity, to name a few.

A Creative Challenge

In the beginning of this assignment, I was like, “I hate every one of these objects I chose. They don’t go together at all!” Of course, that was the challenge. It took creativity to figure out how to make three unrelated objects become one whole.

In the end I think I was generally successful. And my class agreed. One student said, “Yea, I don’t think she really achieved unity.” and the teacher pointed out a couple places where I had repetition or something, but she didn’t disagree, either. And neither did I. 

What No One Wants to Talk About

You may have noticed that I haven’t brought up trauma or addiction. And the reason is that at this point there was a good amount of space between when the trauma happened at 12, and now when I’m 27 years old. But the uncomfortable truth, what no one wants to talk about, is that time doesn’t heal a secret wound. 

So anything that was going on in my current life that would have caused anxiety, sleeplessness, or irritability, I would have just looked around at what was going on in my day to day life and found those things to be the cause. And for sure some of those things were the cause! It’s not an either/or situation,  it’s both. 

It’s kind of like weeding a garden. If you only pull up what you see – the stalk, leaves, and flower from the weed, it’s just going to grow back. Because you didn’t get it at the roots. Our day to day lives do cause stress. However if part of our story is hidden, time isn’t going to just make symptoms caused by that to just go away. 

Art Lesson in Life, Piecing it All Together

I relate this all to the gestalt artwork because at this point in my life I just saw all of my symptoms as separate. Kind of like those individual objects that don’t relate to one another in the art assignment. I had regular stomach aches, depression, anxiety, started things and didn’t finish them, felt stuck, had low self esteem and low self worth. And they all seemed like these random objects. I couldn’t see how they were connected. It wasn’t until I talked about my trauma and went back into my story that I was able to piece them together. Now I see them all as a united whole. 

Honestly, I wouldn’t take any of them out, either! It might sound crazy, but I would not go back and take out the trauma. Or the addiction. Even though they caused regrets and things I had to work through. If you take parts out, you will just get another story! There have been many times I would have handed off my story to the first person who would have taken it. I would have said, “Good riddance to you! I hate this story and I don’t want to deal with any of this stuff anymore!” But then I would have just ended up with a different story – and we all have one. 

Finding Acceptance (for the most part)

Putting these things together has helped me to embrace my story – somewhat. Because I’m sure there will be days I want to give it away again! Now I can see how things that were challenges, like the stomach aches, led me to learn about nutrition. There are some positives that can come out of our struggles. So I’ve learned to embrace them as much as I can. By connecting the dots I see how my symptoms, that seemed unrelated, all fit together. And that has helped me come to a place of acceptance and peace with them. 

So this was where I was in my late 20s. I had my daughter at age 28. And when I was 29, we picked where we were going to move, sold our house, left Wisconsin, and moved to another state.