Can pride and shame exist at the same time?
About this episode: This is the seventh in a series of episodes that are just the start of where I plan to take this podcast. These initial episodes will give you a backstory on the journey I went through to recover from childhood sexual abuse at the age of twelve. The purpose of this backstory is to help you see how trauma affected my life and art, and to learn some of the things I did to begin healing.
I do not give any graphic details of the events.
Southbound
At the end of the last episode, we had sold our house in Wisconsin and were heading to a new city and state. I didn’t say where we moved, even though I had already mentioned it in my first episode.
The reason for the big mystery was just so I could point out that Austin, Texas wasn’t even on our list of places we considered moving! It was only after some people we knew suggested that we check it out. They thought we would like the hippy-vibe Austin has been known for, the music and art scene, and, of course, the tech jobs.
So we took a family vacation to Austin, Texas and explored the city together over a weekend. By the end of our trip, we had all agreed that Austin was definitely a place we would like to live.
New City – taking risks and growing closer
Before we moved, I decided to homeschool the kids to help ease the transition of moving out of state. There were so many variables with moving. So it seemed if we took one out (like choosing schools), it would make it a little easier. We also moved without my husband having a job in Texas. I know, it was risky. But, companies weren’t relocating as much as they had been, and it was harder to get an interview if you weren’t local.
So that means for the first month we were all home together. And it was the greatest time! We bonded as a family so much because we were all experiencing everything for the first time – together.
It really felt like we had made a good choice by moving. We were outside more often, and it felt good to get out of our comfort zone and have some new experiences!
It seemed to get us out of the rut we were in before we moved.
Where is everyone?
This is a story that makes me laugh from when we fist moved to Austin.
We moved in November and it was 80 degrees. However we were coming from fall in Wisconsin. That meant the mornings were brisk and cold, and the highest temperature for the day was maybe 60 degrees. So we were going swimming at local pools. At one point, we looked around and realized no one else was in the pool! And we were like, “Where is everybody? This is amazing! It’s like summer in November!”
Now that I’ve lived in Texas longer, I totally get it. After just one year here – living through the mild Texas winter and intense heat of a Texas summer, 80 degrees doesn’t feel as hot anymore! It feels… pleasant. But I might wear jeans!
This is the perfect example of our little Wisconsin family bonding, feeling a little out of sorts, and having the best time.
New to Homeschooling – Was it the right choice?
I took the kids to homeschool park days and events to connect with the homeschool community. It was so awkward and uncomfortable to walk up to a group of people and introduce myself. One time, as a way to get to know them, I asked what they did for themselves or if they had any hobbies. And they all collectively laughed and said, “I don’t have time for hobbies!” I recoiled and thought, “Ehhh I don’t know if this is for me…” Call it selfish, but I still wanted to make art! Since then I have met homeschoolers who work full time and have all kinds of interesting hobbies and things they do for themselves.
At the same time, I was starting to see how consuming homeschooling could be. Especially in the first year. There is so much to learn! One of the beauties of homeschooling is that you are free do it however it works for your family. The other side of that, is it takes time, research, and a lot of troubleshooting to figure out what that is.
It was a lot. I did enjoy it and loved the time with my kids. But I was also feeling very spread thin. Especially when you add in being new to a city and all there is to learn in that, too. Add on being a wife as well, and I was starting to feel that I really needed something for myself. I was feeling depleted and needed something to help me feel rejuvenated.
New Activity – avoiding a freak out
At first I considered taking an art class. There were a lot to choose from! But then I realized that if I did something that gave me more work to do… I was going to Freak. Out. It surprised even me that I was in a city with art all around and I didn’t even want to take an art class!
So I decided to try yoga. I had done a little yoga before back in Wisconsin. I had bought a VHS of a yogi named Rodney Yee. In the video, he’s on a mountain in Hawaii with the ocean in the background. His perfect, shirtless physique glistened in the sunlight as he would gracefully swan dive into a forward fold. He held plank as if he weighted 2 ounces, effortlessly. In the meantime, I am trying to follow along while craning my neck to see my reflection in the TV asking, “Is this a down dog?! I have no idea what is going on right now.”
When I started, I just thought yoga was yoga. I didn’t know there were so many different styles! But I did know that yoga could help me feel refreshed. And that was what I was looking for. So I tried out a few different studios to see what I liked… if I was going to like it at all.
Then I was invited to Breath and Body Yoga. Even though I was barely keeping up with the classes, forgot my right from my left, and thought I was going to die half the time – I was welcomed into the community instantly. It is still where I practice today!
New Perspective – closing the door
Yoga made me feel so good. I called it yoga bliss. Partially because it was so hard that I couldn’t believe I wasn’t dead. As I drove home from class I would think, “This is amazing! Colors are more vibrant!” I was floating on clouds without a care in the world. Now, of course that wears off after a while. Sometimes as soon as I got home and walked in the door!
Yoga has had a huge impact on my life. It was the first time I had something that made me feel better than getting high. Suddenly I had something to compare smoking marijuana to that I didn’t have before. Before yoga, I left the door open to smoking weed. Yoga inspired me to consider quitting smoking for good. It made me feel good without the negative side effects of smoking. It was an easy decision to make. But it turned out to be hard to follow.
For me, it wasn’t enough to have something that felt good to keep me from smoking. It also wasn’t enough to just will myself out of addiction.
Old Habits – deep-rooted denial
This part of my story is like watching a horror movie. (Stay with me here.) You know the scene where the main character hears a scary noise coming from a dark room in some run-down old house with cobwebs and broken shutters? (It’s always the same house.) And what do they do? They walk into the dark room! And you’re watching this shouting, “Nooo! Don’t you know the monster is in there?! It’s so obvious!” But they do. They walk right into the room with the giant monster!
This is what happened. A few months after moving to Austin, we met some people that smoked. And it wasn’t long before we were back in our same old routine. We were back in the cycle of heavy smoking, quitting, and starting again.
And you might be wondering, Why did we do that? Why did we walk into the dark room with the giant monster?!
It wasn’t because things were stressful. Or because I felt the trauma coming up and was trying to shut it down. I think we looked at it more like it was an enhancement. We thought, “Things are good – let’s make them better!” But, why would we risk ruining the best time our family ever had together just to get high? Why couldn’t we have just been content with what we had?
The truth is, I was in denial of my addiction, and under the illusion of control. The insane thing is I had never shown an ability to control it! There was no point from the past I could look to and say, “See? Heres where I controlled it!” And yet somehow I still believed I could.
Two Sides of the Same Coin
Why would we risk it? That’s a question I have been asking myself. Here’s what came up. I think both pride and shame played a role in my denial.
But pride and shame are opposites, aren’t they? Pride boosts us up. Shame tears us down. Pride is thinking we are better than we actually are. Shame has us believe we are less than we are.
Yet I see both of these forces going on at the same time. Pride is what made me believe I could control the problem. That I didn’t need help. Shame kept me from admitting that my actions were hurting people I love. I recoiled just thinking about it.
The truth is, I will do pretty much anything to not feel shame. I will cover shame by using drugs, playing video games, and any kind of distractions. Another way I covered it up was with good experiences, too. Anything to not feel how I truly felt.
One Step Closer
But if we’re honest, does anyone wake up and think, “I really want to sit with uncomfortable emotions today”.
However this time in my story I see this beautiful connection with our family. A big part of the beauty was because we weren’t smoking. We were clear and present with our kids. This also was the longest period we went without smoking.
Unfortunately, it didn’t last. But there is more to this story! There are still a lot of good things to uncover. And some great things that come up in the next few years.
Starting yoga was a pivotal moment in my life. It started to shift things for me in new ways. But it wasn’t what healed me from trauma or kept me sober. It is one step of many that brought me to a place of hope and healing.
What helps you cope?
Share your thoughts below. 💬