Did the first symptoms surprise you too?
About this episode: This is the first in a series of episodes that are just the start of where I plan to take this podcast. These initial episodes will give you a backstory on the journey I went through to recover from childhood sexual abuse at the age of twelve. The purpose of this backstory is to help you see how trauma affected my life and art, and to learn some of the things I did to begin healing.
I do not give any graphic details of the events.
My Symptoms of Abuse
#1 – Believing lies about who was to blame
The abuse lasted a few months and ended just as mysteriously as it began. I kept it a secret from everyone and didn’t confront the abuser for many years. I felt deep shame and guilt for not using my voice to say “no” and stopped trusting myself. After the abuse, I started to believe lies about myself that I was unworthy and somehow to blame. These lies were my very first symptoms of abuse.
#2 – Stomach aches and nausea
Another symptom of abuse was trauma that caused me to have frequent stomach aches and nausea. These symptoms disrupted my life all throughout my childhood. I eventually quit the swim team because of them. I really loved swimming, but the discomfort was too much.
#3 – Escaping from my feelings
Shortly after that, I drank alcohol for the first time. I wasn’t looking to escape from the burden of this secret trauma, but that is exactly what it did. My friends became concerned that I would become an alcoholic because I always took drinking too far. But I thought, “I’m drinking with you – how am I the alcoholic here?!” They could see what I couldn’t. I always took it too far. I was often drunk before half the party got there. This was the beginning of a long cycle of addiction in my life.
The Disconnect Between My Symptoms and the Abuse
Before I shared my story, I didn’t connect these symptoms with the sexual abuse from my childhood. I thought the worst thing would be to let this secret out. It turns out, telling my story has set me free from the trauma and symptoms of abuse. I hope that sharing my story will help you have the courage to share yours.
Do you relate to any part of my story?
Share your thoughts below. 💬